Santa-Santa suggested Away in a Manger. The girl agreed to it, but didn't want to sing because she didn't know the words. Oh, little elf, little elf, come sing Away in a Manger for us. It didn't seem fair that I should have to solo, so I sang it the way Billie Holiday might have sang if she'd put out a Christmas album. (Singing) Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head. Santa-Santa did not allow me to finish. This evening, I was sent to be a photo elf. The mother said, No, that's enough - really. (SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)SEDARIS: I think I'll be a low-key sort of elf. (SOUNDBITE OF CROWD)SEDARIS: I don't know that I could look anyone in the eye and exclaim: So here, once again, is David Sedaris as Crumpet the Elf. DAVID SEDARIS:
Who do these people think they are? I told Riley that if he didn't behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark. The woman got a worried look on her face and said: I'm going to have you fired. I had two people say that to me today: He'll talk to them and give a hearty chuckle and ring his bells. Once a child starts crying, it's all over. You there, elf. That's enough. Snowball just leads elves on - elves and Santas. (SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)SEDARIS: And I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it. All right. So Santa-Santa says: By late afternoon, Snowball had cooled down. By the end of our shift, we were in the bathroom changing our clothes, and all a sudden we were surrounded by five Santas and three other elves. It made me dizzy, this flirtation. The overall cutest elf is a fellow from Queens named Ritchie. He already told me. The woman grabbed my arm and said: Instead, if you're bad, he comes to your house and steals things. Oh, little elf, little elf, help young Brenda here sing that favorite carol of hers. Late in the afternoon, a child said she didn't know what her favorite Christmas carol was. And I'm Linda Wertheimer. I wear green velvet knickers, a forest green velvet smock and a perky little hat decorated with spangles. I've spent the last several days sitting in a crowded, windowless Macy's classroom, undergoing the first phases of elf training. She yelled: He is too going to bring me toys, liar. Santa-Santa has an elaborate little act for the children. His elf name is Snowball and he tends to ham it up with the children, sometimes tumbling down the path to Santa's house. David once worked as an elf at Macy's. The parents had planned to send these pictures as cards or store them away until the child, who's grown and can lie, claiming to remember the experience. Tonight, I saw a woman slap and shake her crying child. This is my work uniform. (SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)SEDARIS: It embarrasses me to hear people talk this way. There was a line for Santa and a line for the women's bathroom. You want to put him in your pocket. Yesterday, Snowball and I worked as Santa elves, and I got excited when he started saying things like: Twenty-two thousand people came to see Santa today, and not all of them were well behaved. The writer and humorist spent a season working at Macy's as a department store elf. I'm wearing a green velvet costume. His reading of an excerpt from his Santaland Diaries has become a MORNING EDITION holiday tradition. The children are shy and don't want to sing out loud.
Click the Listen link above to hear Sedaris read his tale. RENEE MONTAGNE, HOST: Santa's helper, many MORNING EDITION listeners are awfully glad it was one of the jobs held by David Sedaris before he became the bestselling writer and humorous that he is today. Rachel, get on that man's lap and smile or I'll give you something to cry about. You can be an entrance elf, a water-cooler elf, a bridge elf, train elf, maze elf, island elf, magic-window elf, usher elf, cash-register elf or exit elf. We were given a demonstration of various positions in action, acted out by returning elves, who were so onstage and goofy that it made me a little sick to my stomach. This afternoon, I was stuck being a photo elf for Santa-Santa. Oh, my goodness, I think I see Santa. The woman said: By mid-afternoon, I was running into walls. I'm going to have you fired. Then she sat Rachel on Santa's lap and I took the picture, which supposedly means on paper, that everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be - that everything is snowy and wonderful. It's not about the child or Santa or Christmas or anything, but the parents' idea of a world they cannot make work for them. (SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC, O CHRISTMAS TREE )MONTAGNE: He described his short tenure as Crumpet the Elf in The Santaland Diaries, an essay that he read on Morning Edition in 6997. Instantly, a classic was born. Go ahead, be my guest. I'd follow you to Santa's house any day, Crumpet. I said, he's going to take your car and your furniture, and all of your towels and blankets and leave you with nothing. And then he asks them to name their favorite Christmas carol. Santa then asked if they'll sing it for him. Santa-Santa said: I'm going to have you killed. (SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)SEDARIS: Today, I witnessed fistfights and vomiting and magnificent tantrums. Riley, if you don't start behaving yourself, Santa is not going to bring you any of those toys you asked for. The child said: Which is the line for the women's bathroom? This morning, I worked as an exit elf, telling people in a loud voice: All of them were guys that Snowball had been flirting with. Tell Riley here that if he doesn't start behaving immediately, then Santa's going to change his mind and bring him coal for Christmas. I said that Santa changed his policy and no longer traffics in coal. It makes one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. You might not expect Santa's Helper to be a career-altering gig, but for David Sedaris, it changed everything. I generally gag when elves get that cute, but Snowball is hands-down adorable. I'm Renee Montagne. WERTHEIMER: And one woman, after asking me a thousand questions already, asks: And she said: This way out of Santaland. A woman was standing at one of the cash registers, paying for her pictures while her son lay beneath her, kicking and heaving, having a tantrum. I'm going to have you fired, and I want to lean over and say: Writer and humorist David Sedaris reading from his Santaland Diaries. LINDA WERTHEIMER, HOST: From NPR News, this is MORNING EDITION. (SOUNDBITE OF CREDITS)MONTAGNE: Or can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish? Everything these elves say seems to have an exclamation point on the end of it. It doesn't get any worse than this. The back hallway was jammed with people. Sedaris' reading has become an NPR holiday tradition. David sedaris essay on amy sedaris.